CO Blog

I’ve been meaning to write this post but life just kept getting in the way.

On July 29th, it has been 6 months since my mom went to be with the Lord and I miss her every day. Mother’s Day came and went, my birthday came and went without her. I always think of my mom on holidays big or small. She loved to host parties. Every time the end of May would come she would ask me every single week if I wanted her to throw me a party for my birthday. She’ll “just invite family.” I sit in her office at Ninong’s almost every single day. I stare at her handwriting on the notes she took and the Mother’s Day card still hanging on the wall that Charlie and I gave her in 2013. I look at all the things she left behind. Some days I smile and some days I cry when I think of her.

I’ve learned many things during this 6 months without my mom.

1. Time doesn’t heal, but life goes on. As time passes without her it doesn’t get easier, in fact sometimes time passing makes it harder. Life won’t wait for you to catch up with it. Time will pass whether you have a hold on it or not. Like I said, life gets in the way. I don’t have the time to sit and be sad or drop everything and think of her every waking moment. Sometimes I wish I could do that all day long. But I can’t. I have to choose to go on without her until we meet again. I have to continue to live on and make her proud while I still can.
2. I feel immense sadness anytime I see someone fighting cancer or some kind of terminal illness. I feel for their families and the pain they must feel as they watch their family members endure it. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. But I feel a sense of camaraderie with people I don’t even know. Maybe because they or someone they know knows what I’m feeling and what my family went through.
3. Fear is real. This combined with uncertainty is a very scary combination. I relive the last days with my mom in my mind all the time. The feelings I felt, especially the feelings of fear, helplessness, and despair. Those feelings never go away. Don’t face it head on if you’re not ready, but don’t let it eat you up inside. That’s when the depression takes a turn for the worst.
4. People have to come together, support each other. Life is too short to be angry. I choose to be there for my friends and family in a positive, supportive, and real way.
5. Why put out hate into this world when there is already too much of that? I don’t like going on Facebook anymore. I only check because of a few active FB Groups I’m in and to communicate with relatives.
6. If life defeats you today, let it go. Tomorrow might be a better day. Have hope for a better day.
7. People are people, you can’t change them unless they want to be changed. Love them no matter what.

This song “Take me There” by Trip Lee came up while I was cleaning the other day. I stopped what I was doing to have a good cry. The woman Trip raps about in the 2nd verse of this song is so reminiscent of my mom. Her faith didn’t waiver despite all the pain that I know she went through. To see my mom at the end of her days was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to witness. I was by her side every day for as long as possible. I saw her struggle to take her last breaths, I watched as her heart stopped beating. She was just ready to be with the Lord. She was strong for all of us who couldn’t be. I know He gave her that strength.

I know it might not be comforting to most people, but it is to me. Death isn’t an easy topic to talk about. Cancer and sickness isn’t table conversation. Religious beliefs and faith aren’t comfortable topics either, especially lately. I know not everyone reading this is Christian or believes in what I believe. No, my faith doesn’t bring her back. No, it didn’t cure her. No, it didn’t make the pain go away. But it did make all this easier. It gave me hope for the rest of my days here. It gives me something to look forward to despite all the nastiness and hatred I see in this world. I hope it does for you too.

xoxo,

Kissa