2 very important people in my life share the same birthday. When I realized that they have the same name day I realized they have a lot more in common than just the day they were born.
Mom and Ray Ray at our Wedding 10/8/11
Ray Ray and my mom were both born on January 8th. They are both extremely loving, caring, and selfless people. They were both very outgoing and social, always the life of the party. They were both determined, hard working, and was everyone’s friend. They were both deeply loved by many, many people and that’s because they cared more about others than they did themselves. They would do anything for the ones they loved.
Mom doing what we do best in the Philippines – Eat!
Happy birthday, Mommy. It is your first birthday in Heaven and I’m sure you’re hosting a huge party! We here on Earth miss you so much. I thinking about you all the time, but especially lately. Things changed so fast last year I think it almost took me a year to even digest what happened and I replay the month of January over and over in my mind. From your birthday, to going to the hospital, to your very last day at home. It’s all a recent memory that I will never ever forget. Nor will I ever let go. I love you and miss you every day. I wish you were here with us in the Philippines. This was the trip that you wanted us to take. To be here together, as a family. Eating lots of food, seeing the sights, and experiencing new places. I’m sad that we never got to take this trip together. It was partially our fault, for continuing to put it off because we had “things to take care of.” But I know you are here with us, and you are happy we finally made it. Please continue to watch over me and guide me, Mom, love you.
Us at Ray Ray’s favorite place – Disneyland
Happy birthday Raymundo! I can’t believed you’ve celebrated 4 birthdays in Heaven. I miss you so much, especially when the holidays come around. When we all get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas it’s just not the same without you. But hey, you know that. 🙂 The party always starts when you walk in the door.
To my beautiful guardian angels watching over us from above, happy birthday. Even though you may not be here with us anymore, your spirit lives on through all the lives you touched and all the people you encountered.
Xoxo,
I’ve been meaning to write this post but life just kept getting in the way.
On July 29th, it has been 6 months since my mom went to be with the Lord and I miss her every day. Mother’s Day came and went, my birthday came and went without her. I always think of my mom on holidays big or small. She loved to host parties. Every time the end of May would come she would ask me every single week if I wanted her to throw me a party for my birthday. She’ll “just invite family.” I sit in her office at Ninong’s almost every single day. I stare at her handwriting on the notes she took and the Mother’s Day card still hanging on the wall that Charlie and I gave her in 2013. I look at all the things she left behind. Some days I smile and some days I cry when I think of her.
I’ve learned many things during this 6 months without my mom.
Time doesn’t heal, but life goes on. As time passes without her it doesn’t get easier, in fact sometimes time passing makes it harder. Life won’t wait for you to catch up with it. Time will pass whether you have a hold on it or not. Like I said, life gets in the way. I don’t have the time to sit and be sad or drop everything and think of her every waking moment. Sometimes I wish I could do that all day long. But I can’t. I have to choose to go on without her until we meet again. I have to continue to live on and make her proud while I still can.
I feel immense sadness anytime I see someone fighting cancer or some kind of terminal illness. I feel for their families and the pain they must feel as they watch their family members endure it. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. But I feel a sense of camaraderie with people I don’t even know. Maybe because they or someone they know knows what I’m feeling and what my family went through.
Fear is real. This combined with uncertainty is a very scary combination. I relive the last days with my mom in my mind all the time. The feelings I felt, especially the feelings of fear, helplessness, and despair. Those feelings never go away. Don’t face it head on if you’re not ready, but don’t let it eat you up inside. That’s when the depression takes a turn for the worst.
People have to come together, support each other. Life is too short to be angry. I choose to be there for my friends and family in a positive, supportive, and real way.
Why put out hate into this world when there is already too much of that? I don’t like going on Facebook anymore. I only check because of a few active FB Groups I’m in and to communicate with relatives.
If life defeats you today, let it go. Tomorrow might be a better day. Have hope for a better day.
People are people, you can’t change them unless they want to be changed. Love them no matter what.
This song “Take me There” by Trip Lee came up while I was cleaning the other day. I stopped what I was doing to have a good cry. The woman Trip raps about in the 2nd verse of this song is so reminiscent of my mom. Her faith didn’t waiver despite all the pain that I know she went through. To see my mom at the end of her days was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to witness. I was by her side every day for as long as possible. I saw her struggle to take her last breaths, I watched as her heart stopped beating. She was just ready to be with the Lord. She was strong for all of us who couldn’t be. I know He gave her that strength.
I know it might not be comforting to most people, but it is to me. Death isn’t an easy topic to talk about. Cancer and sickness isn’t table conversation. Religious beliefs and faith aren’t comfortable topics either, especially lately. I know not everyone reading this is Christian or believes in what I believe. No, my faith doesn’t bring her back. No, it didn’t cure her. No, it didn’t make the pain go away. But it did make all this easier. It gave me hope for the rest of my days here. It gives me something to look forward to despite all the nastiness and hatred I see in this world. I hope it does for you too.
Where do I even begin with this one. Many of my friends have asked me about how what happened to my mom affected my faith. To give you the short answer, it’s fine. But in a long answer let me explain why it’s going to be better than “fine”…
What has gotten me through this whole “ordeal” has been my faith and nothing else. I KNOW He has been with me through my mom’s entire journey and His timing through all this was perfect.
I left my other job as a manager at a stationery store and took over our family business for my mom in September of 2012. It wasn’t because she knew she was sick, she actually had no idea. 1 month later, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. You can read more about that time of our lives in this post.
Here we are at Ninong’s in 2013 days before she leaves for surgery in the Philippines
The Lord gave me 1 month to learn what I could from my mom and just take over as best I can. Mind you, we had no idea she was leaving. She was taking her time showing me what she knew, probably thinking she had maybe 6 months or a year to teach me (and boss me around lol). I had NEVER run a restaurant before in my life. If I hadn’t had those mere 4 weeks with her to show me what she knew Ninong’s might have closed down shortly after she left for surgery. There were days while she was gone that I would sit in her office at the shop and cry because I didn’t think I could do it. Running a restaurant is no joke and I didn’t believe I had it in me to do it. There were so many times when I just wanted to give up. But I didn’t, I just kept praying and praying and working and working. And look at that, we didn’t close! By God’s grace we are still standing. I say God’s grace because I didn’t do anything differently. I just took what I learned from my previous jobs, cried and fell before His feet and told Him that I need Him to show me His will for this place – whether it be to close down or stay open. And He did. He showed me that we were right where we needed to be. We are still open and our business is continuing to grow every year, and I was able to do it without my mom there!
When my mom returned from surgery she did chemo and radiation for about 1 year. After the year was done she went back to the Philippines for vacation with my dad to celebrate but while there was constantly nauseous so they took her to the hospital. There they found out the cancer had moved to her brain.
Here we are on Christmas Day 2013 before my mom started her first round of treatment
At that point my family went through a very dark time for another year. My mom wasn’t able to go back to work (which drove her crazy, she’s a workaholic just like me), there was another round of chemo and radiation ahead. This time for the brain. My mom was devastated but was trying to stay strong through it all; trying to shield me, my dad, and Charlie from what she was going through. She wasn’t able to be as social as she usually was, at times she didn’t want to take her medication anymore, and her health was clearly deteriorating. I had no idea how bad it was, whenever I would talk to her she would never want to talk about it with me. I think we were all in a bit of denial. But I wasn’t stupid, I knew what was happening wasn’t good. I went through a period of depression during that time. With the frustration of not knowing what was happening to the endless negative thoughts that were running through my head of the worst case scenario could you blame me? I stopped going to church consistently, I became lethargic, our Friday night bible studies stopped, I stopped taking care of myself, and I just wasn’t feeling that “fire” for my faith anymore. I didn’t necessarily lose my faith, but I felt immense guilt. I was focused on my mom and our relationship, all while trying to take care of our business, my marriage, and trying to ignore this bad gut feeling I had. I was fighting the urge to succumb to the depression. I was fighting the urge to give up and let the enemy win, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t let him win.
Here we are in San Diego on our last family trip in May of 2015
It all happened so quickly. It felt like one moment she was walking, the next day she needed a walker, and next thing I know she was suddenly in a wheelchair. It was so hard to see her like that because whenever I picture my mom she was always laughing, smiling, strong, and so determined. Then one day in January, my dad called and she was in the ER. She was no longer talking and her vitals had changed drastically. When my dad called I had a bad feeling, this growing burning in my stomach. I dropped what I was doing and rushed to the hospital. My life was never the same after that, my faith was never the same after that. About 2-3 weeks after that she passed away in home care.
Here’s a photo of my mom on her 65th birthday about a week before she went to the hospital
It’s hard to admit that I rejected the Lord in those times. It’s not that I ever blamed Him for what was happening. Yes I would go to church every once in a while (when I felt like it), yes I would say a quick prayer before I eat, yes I would open up my bible every once in a while. But that’s not what is embarrassing for me. What’s embarrassing is that when hopelessness, sadness, guilt, anger, or grief filled my heart I didn’t turn to Him. I didn’t ask Him for strength, His grace, or for Him to just simply comfort me. I wanted to “punish” myself and just rot in my own filth.
Through all of that I somehow kept my faith. I am so grateful that the Lord stayed with me when I wanted to give up on Him. I never blamed Him, but my consistency in opening up my bible, going to church, and praying just fell and I felt distant from Him. But He kept showing me that He was there, He just wouldn’t give up on me. I knew my faith was still there, even if it was a mustard seed size, it was still there. During the time I started to see my mom’s health slowly get worse and worse I made a decision that I would be obedient and trust in His plan for her, for me, and for my family. I made a choice. I definitely didn’t like what was happening but I promised myself that I would not lose faith in Him no matter if He healed her or not. And thankfully I was able to keep that promise.
So why am I writing this post, you ask? I’m here to tell you that just because you believe in Christ doesn’t mean everything is sweet and wonderful. Life is real, it’s ruthless, rude, and painful. That’s why we need a Savior and we need His salvation. You think drinking to help you forget the pain might help but it doesn’t. Trust me, I tried it. The pain is still there when you sober up. You can’t sleep at night. Your stress, sadness, emptiness, and pain keep you up at night. I know, I’m right there with you. But those sleeping drugs will do you more bad than good. You hope the words of loved ones or busying yourself can help. Trust me, I’ve tried that too and it doesn’t help. They say time heals, but that’s only half the truth. It’s not only time, it’s confronting your pain with strength. It’s that time when you’re alone and confront the pain within the silence that the Lord will be with you; when you have to face your reality and be completely vulnerable. That’s what heals. Not because of anything you do/did but what He does to heal you and transform that pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still working through the pain and sadness of the most important woman in my life. There are times when I’m fine and there are moments when I just break down in tears out of nowhere, or feel this immense physical emptiness. But every time I go through something like that what I need is the comforting arms of the Lord and not the things of this world. They don’t work. They just mask that pain, and masking it will never get you through it.
Through all of this my faith has changed for the better. Am I 100% over the loss of my mom? NO, absolutely not. I probably never will be. But my relationship has changed from what we call the “honeymoon phase” to something REAL because of it. I might not have the same fire for my faith that I had when I first started in my faith but it’s a different flame now. It’s fueled by a love and trust of a Father and daughter. Our relationship is deeper than it has ever been before. There is banter between us, true conversation, appreciation that He will never give up on me, respect for Him, a grace in the truth of his healing/forgiveness, and transparency that comes with that kind of relationship and realization. I am extremely thankful for that.
