Oh Kissa…

My dearest Ray,

I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. I keep having this urge to call you on my way to and from a place. We always had the best conversations in the car. I don’t know if it’s me fishing for things that remind me of you or if you’re showing me that you’re around, but your presence just makes me miss you more. Things are changing. So much is different from how it used to be since you left. Things are more complicated, life is still moving forward, and as the days go by I can’t decide if it’s good or bad. It’s just changed.

I wish I could just call you and tell you what’s going on. I wish I could hear your voice, your classic Ray Ray laugh, and you say “Oh Kissa…” right before you tell me it’s going to be okay. You always knew what to say to make me feel better. And if you didn’t know what to say you’d always do something to make me laugh.


Lookatchu, rockin the pinky flex. 🙂 I love that face you make whenever you drink girly cocktails. I miss you, Raymundo.


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Lighting the Fire and Doing the Work


October isn’t even over yet, and so much change within me has happened. Let’s start from the beginning shall we? After the emotionalness (Yes, I make up words) that was September, October came way too soon but not soon enough. I wasn’t ready or another month to slip through the cracks. If there was one thing I learned from you it is to live and love life, and I knew that for me October was the time I had to start doing that.

At the end of September, my dad was in the Philippines with his brothers and sisters taking care of my grandpa. The 2 weeks he was gone was terrifying. I felt like my heart was being ripped apart, as if it could be crumbled into any more pieces. My dad came back just in time for his birthday on Oct. 1st and thank God my grandpa was okay. The following weekend was a bittersweet weekend for Charlie and I. We weren’t quite ready to celebrate anything, but we embraced our 1 year wedding anniversary with open arms and went back to the scene of the crime. 🙂 It was just as beautiful as the day we got married. It was the perfect way to get the month started, full of LOVE.

Heritage Park in Dana Point, CA where we had our wedding ceremony
The gorgeous greenery and view at Heritage Park
Steps leading up to our ceremony location
Our ceremony site and the gorgeous view

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after you pass the trees

It was exactly what we needed to recharge our batteries. A couple days of rest along the beautiful coast of California. While Charlie caught some Z’s I spent most of my time on the balcony of our hotel room. The Surf and Sand Resort will forever be one of my all time favorite places to visit. And why wouldn’t it be with this view?!

The gorgeous sunset view from our hotel room.

Amazing right?!

The weekend following, I attended the LA stop of the Making Things Happen tour and made 15 new lifelong friends. I thought I knew what to expect, it was my second time attending the intensive. I was ready to open up, be vulnerable, and get the most out of it. But for some reason, when the event began the shell came back on, and I had to force myself to let go and open my heart. That was the most difficult, yet most rewarding day. Since September, I felt like I was being tumbled and thrown in different directions. My life kept taking completely different turns and I was scared. MTH helped me so much during this very difficult time. It showed me light and how to conquer fear again. It gave me the boost I needed to start getting myself back together and really take a look at the life I was given. It reminded me to live the life you always told us we deserved — a full and happy life full of dreams.

So what did I do? I channeled my pain, my sadness, my grief, and I did what I know you wanted me to do. I turned it into positivity and productivity. That image of the sunset illustrates exactly how I feel right now. I lit the fire within me and began doing the work, the hard work. I’m going to make you proud, Ray. Every day is a struggle, it’s hard, and I miss you every single second of the day. But after my tears fall, I’m ready to take on the world. Just like you.


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Pressing the Play Button


I find myself sitting in front of a blank page here trying to get myself to write something else. Something that doesn’t have to do with me missing you, wishing you were here, trying to picture you in my mind, trying to think about “what would Ray Ray do?” but it’s so hard. I miss you and everything about you. Thanks to our friends, we’re all getting through it together. Some days are easier than others, but we’re all there for each other. I know you would’ve wanted that. Last week was really tough for me specifically. Not sure why, except maybe because we had to face the harsh reality of the live show on Wednesday without you. We were all terrified, I was so heart broken to even be thinking about this. But your family came to the show last week as our special guests, it was so good to have them there. We even got them on the mic! We played “What would you do for a million dollars?” and they came up with some good ones! You’d be so proud, love.

This week, I’m trying to conduct life as normal. I hit the pause button on life for the past 3 weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t be alone…all I wanted to do was think about you, be with loved ones, and try to keep from crying. I just wanted to do the bare minimum of what was expected of me. There’s a hole in my heart where your love used to be, and I’ve been trying to fill it back up with all the wonderful memories we’ve had together. You’ve done so much for me, Ray. I wouldn’t be where I am today without your love, support, and belief in me. I keep replaying so many memories in my head when I actually give myself time to think, and there’s one specific one that sticks out in my mind that gets me through this week.

I called you on my way home from work one day like I sometimes do. I called to tell you about the new product that AMN was going to start developing and to tell you how proud I was of you and the Traklife team. It’s sometimes hard for me to talk about emotions but I wanted you to know that day for some reason that you and your team were doing a fabulous job. Erv and I didn’t have to worry about the future of Traklife, you guys hit the ground running. You created something so special with so little direction and it was running itself with very little of my guidance. I was so

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proud of you and wanted you to know it.

I specifically remember the moment you told me. I was in my car turning onto Lurline in the left turn lane while the sun was beaming on my face. You told me that you were so happy to be part of the fam. You told me that if anyone else had approached you with the idea you would’ve had to take time and think about it more. But because it was Charlie and I, you immediately said yes. You told me that you believed in us and knew that if you had an opportunity to go into business with us you would.

Thank you for that moment, Raymond. Thank you for believing in us. Replaying that memory and remembering your voice helps me continue to press play on life. The times when I don’t want to or don’t know if I can, I’ll always remember you, your optimistic attitude, and you yearn to do the absolute best that you can do. Thank you for being a continuing inspiration for us all. I love you and I miss you.

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