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Lighting the Fire and Doing the Work

Ray,

October isn’t even over yet, and so much change within me has happened. Let’s start from the beginning shall we? After the emotionalness (Yes, I make up words) that was September, October came way too soon but not soon enough. I wasn’t ready or another month to slip through the cracks. If there was one thing I learned from you it is to live and love life, and I knew that for me October was the time I had to start doing that.

At the end of September, my dad was in the Philippines with his brothers and sisters taking care of my grandpa. The 2 weeks he was gone was terrifying. I felt like my heart was being ripped apart, as if it could be crumbled into any more pieces. My dad came back just in time for his birthday on Oct. 1st and thank God my grandpa was okay. The following weekend was a bittersweet weekend for Charlie and I. We weren’t quite ready to celebrate anything, but we embraced our 1 year wedding anniversary with open arms and went back to the scene of the crime. 🙂 It was just as beautiful as the day we got married. It was the perfect way to get the month started, full of LOVE.

Heritage Park in Dana Point, CA where we had our wedding ceremony
The gorgeous greenery and view at Heritage Park
Steps leading up to our ceremony location
Our ceremony site and the gorgeous view after you pass the trees

It was exactly what we needed to recharge our batteries. A couple days of rest along the beautiful coast of California. While Charlie caught some Z’s I spent most of my time on the balcony of our hotel room. The Surf and Sand Resort will forever be one of my all time favorite places to visit. And why wouldn’t it be with this view?!

The gorgeous sunset view from our hotel room.

Amazing right?!

The weekend following, I attended the LA stop of the Making Things Happen tour and made 15 new lifelong friends. I thought I knew what to expect, it was my second time attending the intensive. I was ready to open up, be vulnerable, and get the most out of it. But for some reason, when the event began the shell came back on, and I had to force myself to let go and open my heart. That was the most difficult, yet most rewarding day. Since September, I felt like I was being tumbled and thrown in different directions. My life kept taking completely different turns and I was scared. MTH helped me so much during this very difficult time. It showed me light and how to conquer fear again. It gave me the boost I needed to start getting myself back together and really take a look at the life I was given. It reminded me to live the life you always told us we deserved — a full and happy life full of dreams.

So what did I do? I channeled my pain, my sadness, my grief, and I did what I know you wanted me to do. I turned it into positivity and productivity. That image of the sunset illustrates exactly how I feel right now. I lit the fire within me and began doing the work, the hard work. I’m going to make you proud, Ray. Every day is a struggle, it’s hard, and I miss you every single second of the day. But after my tears fall, I’m ready to take on the world. Just like you.

<3

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Posted on

Lighting the Fire and Doing the Work

Ray,

October isn’t even over yet, and so much change within me has happened. Let’s start from the beginning shall we? After the emotionalness (Yes, I make up words) that was September, October came way too soon but not soon enough. I wasn’t ready or another month to slip through the cracks. If there was one thing I learned from you it is to live and love life, and I knew that for me October was the time I had to start doing that.

At the end of September, my dad was in the Philippines with his brothers and sisters taking care of my grandpa. The 2 weeks he was gone was terrifying. I felt like my heart was being ripped apart, as if it could be crumbled into any more pieces. My dad came back just in time for his birthday on Oct. 1st and thank God my grandpa was okay. The following weekend was a bittersweet weekend for Charlie and I. We weren’t quite ready to celebrate anything, but we embraced our 1 year wedding anniversary with open arms and went back to the scene of the crime. 🙂 It was just as beautiful as the day we got married. It was the perfect way to get the month started, full of LOVE.

Heritage Park in Dana Point, CA where we had our wedding ceremony
The gorgeous greenery and view at Heritage Park
Steps leading up to our ceremony location
Our ceremony site and the gorgeous view

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after you pass the trees

It was exactly what we needed to recharge our batteries. A couple days of rest along the beautiful coast of California. While Charlie caught some Z’s I spent most of my time on the balcony of our hotel room. The Surf and Sand Resort will forever be one of my all time favorite places to visit. And why wouldn’t it be with this view?!

The gorgeous sunset view from our hotel room.

Amazing right?!

The weekend following, I attended the LA stop of the Making Things Happen tour and made 15 new lifelong friends. I thought I knew what to expect, it was my second time attending the intensive. I was ready to open up, be vulnerable, and get the most out of it. But for some reason, when the event began the shell came back on, and I had to force myself to let go and open my heart. That was the most difficult, yet most rewarding day. Since September, I felt like I was being tumbled and thrown in different directions. My life kept taking completely different turns and I was scared. MTH helped me so much during this very difficult time. It showed me light and how to conquer fear again. It gave me the boost I needed to start getting myself back together and really take a look at the life I was given. It reminded me to live the life you always told us we deserved — a full and happy life full of dreams.

So what did I do? I channeled my pain, my sadness, my grief, and I did what I know you wanted me to do. I turned it into positivity and productivity. That image of the sunset illustrates exactly how I feel right now. I lit the fire within me and began doing the work, the hard work. I’m going to make you proud, Ray. Every day is a struggle, it’s hard, and I miss you every single second of the day. But after my tears fall, I’m ready to take on the world. Just like you.

<3

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Eternity Part 1 and Part 2

I’m sitting here today, the same place I was sitting 365 days ago. 365 days ago, I was with my girls getting ready for the best day of my life. The happiest day of my life to date. I couldn’t even sleep because I was SO. EXCITED. I was excited to marry the man I love, the man I love more than words can ever explain.

If you didn’t already know, I’m a type-A planner. No detail can be overlooked with me. There were to be no surprises at my wedding, if I could control it anyway. But no, Ray wouldn’t let that happen. When I asked him to create a wedding song for Charlie and I, he immediately said yes. He was already doing so much as far as groomsmen duty I was scared he was going to say no. But without hesitation, he gave me his classic “OF COURSE!!” I remember the week leading up the wedding and the week before that Ray, John, Tazzy, and Mel would be at Kevin’s house til 5 am or even sleeping over at Kev’s to get this song done for us. It was a labor of love I will always be thankful for. When they told me they finished it I wanted to hear it! I begged and pleaded with Ray to let me hear it. But he said no, absolutely not. And he wanted me to hear it for the first time for our Same Day Edit that our videographer, Loyd Calomay, was going to release that night at the reception. I tried to trick them, I would try to break into Ray’s computer, I would try to listen to John singing it, but no. They were good. I had no idea what it was going to sound like.

Cut to the day of the wedding. After the ceremony was over, I couldn’t wait to hear it! Loyd was working so hard to get it done. And finally we saw this:

Carissa + Charlie | Same Day Edit from Loyd Calomay on Vimeo.

The song and the video blew me away. I cried like a baby, and laughed out loud all at the same time. I couldn’t believe this was made for us, I was just so grateful…for EVERYTHING.

After the wedding was over, I talked to Ray and realized they wrote that song based on what we wrote on our wedding blog. They took our words and our story and created a song..a beautiful song.

Today I sit here, at the same place. 365 days later, I love this song more and more every time I listen to it. For its words, for the hard work my awesome friends put into it, for the meaning behind it…but its meaning has changed. They told us this song was about us, and now I realize, it’s about love. That feeling of love in the song can be transcended into so many types of love. Ray taught us that. He showed us unconditional love, love as a brother, love as a friend, love as a family member..no matter what, he showed what true selfless love was like. The story may be ours: the first verse is about Charlie, the second is about me, but the chorus in between I dedicate to Ray..

Eternity, just you and me
That’s all we need
Eternity..

Luckily for us, there is an Eternity Part II! Inspired by our RayRayAllDay and sung/written by John Mascardo. Such a beautiful song, please enjoy..

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