Pressing the Play Button


I find myself sitting in front of a blank page here trying to get myself to write something else. Something that doesn’t have to do with me missing you, wishing you were here, trying to picture you in my mind, trying to think about “what would Ray Ray do?” but it’s so hard. I miss you and everything about you. Thanks to our friends, we’re all getting through it together. Some days are easier than others, but we’re all there for each other. I know you would’ve wanted that. Last week was really tough for me specifically. Not sure why, except maybe because we had to face the harsh reality of the live show on Wednesday without you. We were all terrified, I was so heart broken to even be thinking about this. But your family came to the show last week as our special guests, it was so good to have them there. We even got them on the mic! We played “What would you do for a million dollars?” and they came up with some good ones! You’d be so proud, love.

This week, I’m trying to conduct life as normal. I hit the pause button on life for the past 3 weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t be alone…all I wanted to do was think about you, be with loved ones, and try to keep from crying. I just wanted to do the bare minimum of what was expected of me. There’s a hole in my heart where your love used to be, and I’ve been trying to fill it back up with all the wonderful memories we’ve had together. You’ve done so much for me, Ray. I wouldn’t be where I am today without your love, support, and belief in me. I keep replaying so many memories in my head when I actually give myself time to think, and there’s one specific one that sticks out in my mind that gets me through this week.

I called you on my way home from work one day like I sometimes do. I called to tell you about the new product that AMN was going to start developing and to tell you how proud I was of you and the Traklife team. It’s sometimes hard for me to talk about emotions but I wanted you to know that day for some reason that you and your team were doing a fabulous job. Erv and I didn’t have to worry about the future of Traklife, you guys hit the ground running. You created something so special with so little direction and it was running itself with very little of my guidance. I was so proud of you and wanted you to know it.

I specifically remember the moment you told me. I was in my car turning onto Lurline in the left turn lane while the sun was beaming on my face. You told me that you were so happy to be part of the fam. You told me that if anyone else had approached you with the idea you would’ve had to take time and think about it more. But because it was Charlie and I, you immediately said yes. You told me that you believed in us and knew that if you had an opportunity to go into business with us you would.

Thank you for that moment, Raymond. Thank you for believing in us. Replaying that memory and remembering your voice helps me continue to press play on life. The times when I don’t want to or don’t know if I can, I’ll always remember you, your optimistic attitude, and you yearn to do the absolute best that you can do. Thank you for being a continuing inspiration for us all. I love you and I miss you.

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